thecottontree1

2003-07-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Rin Tin Tin Activists

Perhaps you're unaware that several animal activists

hiss at Korea with their balled-up fists

due to their use of dogs for human consumption

as if they're sworn leaders against beastial corruption.

Brigitte Bardot, harshly attacked Koreans

for their reputation of being dog-eating human beings.

So, I suppose it's okay to stage bull-fights and rodeos

hog tying competitions, Tijuanan donkey shows*,

Hasn't the world westernized enough

without paying lip service to cheap activist fluff?

I think Mrs. Bardot needs to ease off her high horse

and allow other nations to route their course.

Concerning Korea, there are some general facts:

canines undergo worse humilating acts:

wearing latest and greatest in Barbie dog attire

drinking ginseng tainted spring water to their heart's design.

donning on slight hints of French perfumes

dyeing their damn ears---(smile, the poodle industry blooms)

Please tell Mrs. Bardot to focus on retirement,

on the French Med, or said pompous environment

Activists, point your fat finger within your realm

accuse your local infidels, and then take the helm.

* sorry, even I won't go into details here.

2003-07-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

What next?

Once again Bush, and his faithful sidekick Blair,

defended their stance on the Iraq affair.

Toppling Sadaam without significant proof that an "Axis of Evil"

held horrifying biotoxins to smother millions of people.

Blair insisted that if a deaf ear was turned on the Middle East

chemical warfare manufacturing would have greatly increased.

Okay, my inference, granted, yet he still endures great criticism:

W.M.D.*, oil prospects, Bush kowtowing--that's a three sided prism!

Now let's not be so rash with the Chief Commanding Cowboy:

albeit you've never knew well he can employ

substantial skills onto the lonely dancefloor

with or without Brittney Spears--two thumbs and encore!!

The Texas Two Step, the Running Man, Moonwalk, the Cabbage Patch,

and a plethora of dance steps MC Hammer couldn't match.

Even if we clamor how he can ruthlessly burn down a town

but should a naysayer insist he can't throw down...

* Weapons of Mass Destruction

2003-07-17T06:48:00.000-07:00

I'm Thirty, Now What?

When some fear the unknown in the work environment

Cockblockers feel it's their sound requirement

to act out the weakest of infantile theatrics

to justify the cause of the lowbrow tactics

simply because one couldn't make the click

they plan to rant and rave as a hapless lunatic.

Not all belligerents deserve a muzzle

Not all 'pieces' complete a corporate puzzle

Aside from the rant digest, tomorrow's my birthday

but I'm brainstorming at the moment of how to best convey

my upmost thanks to Jiwon Go, my first true friend in Seoul

who, for the last four months, played a compelling role,

providing a candle for my darkest days

when all else bestowed pity, she offered praise.

For all my talents I'm hopelessly tongue tied

scrambling for words to show I'm more than satisfied

to hold dear a just friend until the day I depart

I want the cyberworld to know of this precious sweetheart.

2003-07-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

To be Named

You're probably guessing I gave up the ghost

and this domain went without a host.

No, you're twice mistaken

Little you know what it took to awaken

the author from a pandaemonic nightmare

to my usual nightmare--it's a foreigner's affair.

Plus, friends and foes alike are relying on me

to provide the daily dirt--all spying on me.

Folks! I've weathered stormy days to partly sunny

with slight chances of rainbows as I earn my money.

Where shall I begin? The overzealous orangutang

at the local zoo or the fumes endured at the PC bang*

Exchanged my studio space for a two bedroom shack

soon to be shared with an obnoxious hunchback,

chainsmoking Christian by the tag of Harold.

(who's turning fifty soon). Can life be this cold?

My sweet talking director now presumed to quit

and us foreign teachers received not a word about it.

Did someone insist it's my turn to sob

Since it's my THIRD director at my SECOND job!!**

The Land of Morning Calm will prompt you to starting thinking:

how this "island nation" cocerced me to start drinking

*Personal Computer bang; bang means room

** I was in between jobs; kinda sorta

2003-06-11T16:39:00.000-07:00

Am I Too Young to Die from SARS?

Do you believe in fabricated diseases?

I do. Given that the latest press releases

insist there are few fatal signs

of SARS in youngsters. No determined borderlines.

I cram to understand why it's less of a threat

to kids but I'll willing to place my bet

that the virus is, in fact, a deliberate outbreak

to the general populace for bureaucratic sake.

No hard statistics in South Korea

but street kimchee spreads mild forms of diarrhea.

I'm still waiting on mad cow disease:

Quarantines on beef, never on cheese.

2003-05-31T09:05:00.000-07:00

Blahzay Blah

What's a Saturday night at the Club Havana

when its presence is cursed without a sultry Savanah?

I only find more reasons to have stayed in Seoul:

I've garnered more thrills with a remote control.

I just locked arms with an English chat club

in shallow harmony whilst looking pa nub

in the oddest of places where a young bloke

wants to take Dark and Lovely as a joke.

I love to play nonchalant, but if he tries to taunt me

and bull scare any dame that appears to want me,

I guess we may find ourselves at the preccint

since I'm not the one to play with a delinquent

2003-05-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

So Many Headaches, so Little Time

First off, I'd like to settle two rumours

for all my vapid, online consumers:

I do not spin around in a late model Mazerati

nor am I zealous to start dating anybody

Why? I do not need a companion to make me feel "whole"

So stay tuned to Sex in the City and other TV swingers on patrol.

We've all "been there, done that", and we know the stakes

But in my humble case, girlfriends generate headaches.

Please input this value into your romance equations:

How often can you recall, in your long thread of relations,

substituting headache for the word girlfriend

long before you realized it was bound to end?

GIRLFRIEND = HEADACHE

HEADACHE = GIRLFRIEND

I have a headache this BIG.

Not tonight, darling, I have a headache.

What should I do about my girlfriend?

Al has a terrific girlfriend.

Whether you're depraved, deprived, Ellen Degenerates

You have a nagging headache on two legs, I send my regrets

Dump Love Potion # 9 and eightysix the wench.

Let another sucker from the sidelines swing

When the bases are all loaded, then bat like a king!

* yes, that was a deliberate misspelling!

2003-05-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

Things I Miss

Three days from today will make my solid four

months in Korea--condemned to finish eight more.

I feel a greater independence from enduring so much

from the people, the culture, too many topics to touch.

But those simple pleasures that I relish in the States

Korea strives to model yet poorly imitates.

I'm not speaking about the Grand Canyon or the Golden Gate Bridge:

Matter-of-factly, I'm referring to your sister's cleavage.

Also, a Great American breakfast* seems so special

although naysayers insist kimchee and soup is more essential.

Josie sent me three bags of Doritos

and one jar of salsa to the chagrin of my foes.

you may recall my plea for Parmesean Cheese

You thought I'd tumble for an egg roll? Please!

Mashed potatoes and gravy, where art thou?

I'd prepare thou soonest but I'm too lazy now.

Family flies into my mind, every now and then,

Wondering whether I should pump my brakes, and U-turn, but when

I start to consider what I do not miss,

that's what moves me to ethereal bliss...

2003-05-03T04:12:00.000-07:00

I Can Do Anything

I can give way to the elderly and play considerate

I can masquerade around town as a blundering idiot

l can tread on a thousand kindergarteners' toes,

I can apply sheer pressure until God only knows

I can make them recite twisted nursery rhymes,

I can make them half as heinous as the Korea Times

I can hogtie your child with a smile on the internet

I can even have the nerve to wonder why Mommy's uspet

I can tip an nightclub usher to send J.Lo to my table

I can anticipate when she's horny, drunk, willing and able

I can leave her aroused with my Playboy stare,

Hugh Hefner bathrobe, and Cotton Tree underware

I can assure you that she's bound to go nuts

I can sprinkle powdered ecstacy into her doughnuts

I can sketch a stick figure out of thin air

I can turn your private life into a public affair

I can surmise you work hard for the Almighty Dollar

I can observe the c_mstains spills onto your shirt collar

I can brush your teeth until your gums bleed,

tonsils pop, tongue swells, exactly what you need

I can break into a hospital as well as I can

rub your face in the sediment of Granny's bed pan

sponge bathe the hag, let your pastor watch

before I barb my initals into her raggedy crotch

You can prevent tonight's blog from your children's eyes

if you can practice fair discretion--where integrity lies.

2003-04-27T05:55:00.000-07:00

And a Woman Shall Lead Them

I want to sit at the table of champion pen spinners

But the monotony keeps me at bay with beginners.

Another newfound pastime aside from rhyming

is maintaining my daily regimen of Smurf mountain climbing.

I do it everyday --- well, every other day

Suffice to say, I've started anyway

Why? To bottle spring water at the top of the hill

Reminscent of the folklore Jack and Jill

Besides, the leg muscles are in dire need of activity;

it's a moronic task with lackluster creativity.

It doesn't require any detailed research

to recognize a flyer from a Presbyterian church.

OK, maybe a little. For instance, a female acquaintance

cajoled me, bugging me everyday since

Easter to come to her church with her.

Friends, I ask myself, "Why did I concur?"

The only language I understood was the tune

of adopted Western hymnals that consumed the room.

And now I'm a member. Hallejuah

Amid a circle of hypocrites--don't let'em fool ya!

2003-04-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

Not a Tale of Fiction

Dear friends and fans, I've done you wrong

I know what you're asking each other, "What's taking so long?"

Naysayers thought it was time to cop out

but you'll yet to read the last from the charm school drop out.

Indian surgeons performed a quirky surgery

involving two newborn males, with threatening urgency.

You'd know the real meaning of what real pain is--

if you were the child who lacked a natural anus

The other was born without a penis

Methinks you're wondering where on hell had I seen this.

The child who was in dire need of a tail pipe

had a spare penis! How's that for hype!

I suppose having sh!t on your hands is an awkward blessing

But I doubt penile donations is ever worth confessing.

later, alligator

2003-04-07T01:24:00.000-07:00

In a Word

Sometimes, I think Mother Nature reached out

for a big bottle of Chlorox and, literally, bleached out

my skull. My poor head is spinning!

With nine months left. Barely the beginning.

I met a woman the other day who's zealous for Shakespeare

but methinks Pope is the poet to revere.

Noted, the stubby man amassed difficult work

and, til this day, still drives me beserk,

striving to decipher one measly verse;

once I've conquered one piece, it counters with worse.

My favorite poem is Rape of the Lock,

despite the sexual overtones, serves to mock

the Duchess of So and So, and her jealous peers,

some fairies, a card game, and a pair of shears.

If you wish to learn more, learn more by yourself

while I figure which medicine is best for my health.

2003-04-02T00:32:00.000-08:00

English Teach For Hire

There's one quirky riddle that I haven't surpassed:

Why five days a week I'm always harassed

by my uptight students waiting in class

for their beloved teacher to forklift his fad ass

and motivate the disciples in an academic setting--

Aw, right -- whatever, Trevor, there's no use in betting

on yours truly. Why? Because I'm here for show

and, despite the painstaking steps that I may undergo,

the kids aren't willing to learn a foreign language--

they shall regret it, and it'll add to their anguish.

Lest we forget those females dedicated

to forging relations with foreigners until they're frustrated.

All in pursuit of garnering English skills,

braving snide remarks from society's ills.

Tell me always, "I'm your one and only

dearest English teacher!" and never leave me lonely.

Remember to say "I love you" as I taught you to say it--

with a mouthful of cherries; I thought you'd obey it.

I want to see you down on all fours,

Clad in cold sweat, streaming down your pores.

Knowing well it's illegal to render private sessions

Yet you try to whore me for consecutive lessons?

If you're out to screw me, least you ought to embrace me

with kim-chee, chocolates, and ginseng the moment you face me

2003-03-25T23:57:00.000-08:00

If you don't inhale, I won't inhale

As yellow dust curls about the Han River's skyline,

I ponder what symptoms are noted as a warning sign.

Although it's a topic that's fresh to my ears,

my co-workers insist to drive away all fears.

Lately, I have not a thing to write, think or say.

Albeit instructing Children's English turns us all this way.

With the advent of bussing new kids by the herds

It becomes increasingly difficult to think in pollisylablic* words.

In fact, I'd be even surprised if I had

one mature thought since last week. Yes, it gets that bad.

Too add more fuel to the fires, there are plenty of teachers

from varying countries with linguistic features:

Australians, Canadians, Brits, Scots, South Africans:

all sound American when they're inebriated--hooligans!

Kidding! But we're all very frustrating to follow*

yet coerced to sound "American" is a hard pill to swallow.

Here we're all misguided in a wacky world of strife

But that comes in a day of the expat life.

2003-03-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

So, It's Monday

Does friendly fire an inept soldier prove?

Does a tragic death an entire nation move?

That's two too many questions for this online blog

so I'll pass on that kind of thought-provoking monologue.

Is it springtime already? Is it the season of rebirth?

Haven't I asked enough questions on this God forsaken earth?

Don't search for commentary. Haven't seen a paper for days;

nor will I puncture the surface of Washington's forays.

At times Seoulites prefers to think ass backwards

and, to steal a cliche, that's for the birds.

For instance, if I'm trapped between two vacant seats

on a subway train, the wearied passenger retreats

to an obscure distance to avoid a foreigner

as if closer contact would compel a coroner

to hastily complete a death certificate:

DEATH BY ENCOUNTER as it would deem it.

The renowned Hermit Kingdom moves too slow for the world

and two bottles of hard liquor leaves the truth unfurled

but I yet hold faith in its gentlemen and ladies

Since Japan was similar in the 1980s,

I doubt true acceptance. I foresee more tolerance

as hypocrisy continues to lock arms with complacence.

2003-03-20T21:14:00.000-08:00

Crawling out of Limbo

Wartime commenceth. And I'm receiving scraps

of sugar coated footage read: propaganda traps.

Please ask me why I'm not half as enthused

to scurry down the Embassy to get my skull bruised

by anti-war protesters before they head to MacDonalds.

Yeah, they'll lop off my head but won't dare touch Ronald's.

I found a new reason to wolf down Coronas:

The school was sold to green, inexperienced owners.

The last owner fights a battle with a benign cancer.

In hindsight: changing hands was the sure shot answer

to unmentioned issues not suited for discussion--

in a sea of dead topics. Float on. Stop fussing!

I hath seen with mine own eyes--non-believer--

The local women tend to dress like June Cleaver.

Except they're hot. But, say, did the Almighty Ann Landers

rewrite the Dating Bible to thwart us slimy salamanders?

One woman followed me home just "for a spot of coffee".

Wanna know what she wanted? A friggin' pot of coffee!

Hello! Don't you realize it's three in the morn.

And Korea won't supply us with live action porn?

People, I'm a dog (ruff, ruff) and I'd love to prove it.

Have a burning sensation? Allow me to soothe it.

You think it up. I jot it down. What difference will it make?

Just brew your favorite libation at home for Pete's sake.

2003-03-13T00:21:00.000-08:00

White Day

It's bad enough Valentine's Day comes once a year

So when it reappears in March I will find it queer.

White Day* is another gift-giving holiday

in which males send cholocates to chosen prey.

No kidding! On V-Day, women are expected to send

candies to their beaus and then their beaus extend

their thanks by returning the favor.

Albeit it bears little concern for the other's behavior

How about a day for insignificant others

that have shattered lives for said sisters and brothers?

In other words, those who tend to "play the field",

"have some chicken on the side" to the world revealed

as home wreckers, hussies, and quicker picker uppers:

always come uninvited to too many suppers;

always willing to make quality time with your wife,

cling to your boyfriend--a true wart in your life.

They deserve a card, too --- one without a cover.

Perhaps they'll enjoy it half as much as they did your lover.

* March 14

2003-03-02T03:32:00.000-08:00

One Fine Morning

The alarm clock hollered. It was twenty to sunrise.

My right hand led the left as I rubbed my eyes.

Tiptoed into the bathroom to perform the morning massive.

This blistering exercise is all but passive.

Completed the shock therapy, then pressed a new issue:

I misplaced the last roll of generic toilet tissue.

Don't laugh, my friends, it can happen to you

as it happens to gorillas at the downtown zoo.

How could I misplace it? Folks, this is Asia

where the product could be used conducting euthanasia.

Touchy comment. but how long will the duckwalk continue?

I'd like to shower up and commence the daily venue.

Ah! That black and white scrap paper lying on the floor.

The Korea Herald! What else was it good for?

Oh my! Full page coverage on the Bubble Sisters

that performed in blackface for a million listeners

Now, really, did it deserve that much exposure?

One would think that aged photos helped the closure.

It's over. No need to blow on a bagpipe;

in fact I do declare the Herald my favorite asswipe.

2003-02-26T15:31:00.000-08:00

Digresser's Digest

I saw 8 Mile Sunday. I didn't mind investing

7000 won* on the film since I found it interesting.

Eminem was decent. Bassinger surprised me well;

The Catwoman of old now the trailer queen of Hell!

What upset me was the plot was far from original.

In fact, to defend its "uniqueness" is utterly criminal.

I remember Beat Street, Rappin, and Juice

the most recent of the three really cut loose

Starring Shakur, Latifah, and the infamous glock

which flared its hot nostril in the hands of Tupac.

Yes, it glorified violence (what doesn't), inversely to 8 Mile,

it failed to receive acclaim for its urban profile.

It was banned in the United Kingdom for its hardcore material

yet fighting action figures can be had within a box of cereal.

Different folks, different strokes, I guess.

8 Mile sold well because of the rapper---though few want to confess.

* six dollars US

2003-02-21T04:37:00.000-08:00

Tears for Daegu

This Sunday I will begin Korean language lessons

-complimentary--complete with weekend sessions

from a local student in limbo known as Sexy Jay;

reason--self explanatory--born that way.

My prophetic wisecrack was purely coincidental;

to the tragedy in Daegu I send regards sentimental.

Some 120 persons perished to serve what purpose?

An ailing reason to drive Willy Loman nervous?

I learned of the horror while in transit

leaving Incheon, Korea for an E-2 permit.

Hearsay stated the alleged culprit

also fried in the fiery cess pit.

Should you subscribe to that malicious nonsense

of infringing hysteria upon society's conscience,

remember: the terror that befell them can also befall you.

Fate knows only in what fashion Death will call you.

2003-02-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

Happy St. Valentine's Day

In the wide world of dating, while others are seething

with non-stop ectasy, I'm barely teething.

an impressionable tot with a rattler and a pacifier.

When I've learned how to run, you'll be zealous to retire.

What I need or what I lack in Playboy charm

I aim to compensate with a lyrical strong arm.

I received chocolates from my six-year old sweethearts,

mint kisses from my toddlers--a few choco tarts....

For this teacher, it was unexpected--plus

the utter jealousy from my peers was too great to discuss.

A sad day to render their first exam.

Somebody had to do it--get to it---and frankly, give a damn.

I felt a bit remorseful checking the results

of unmotivated youth prone to impish revolts.

In South Korea, one is never over dressed;

It's expected to present your best.

Take, for instance, one Korean-speaking Parisienne

or is she a French-speaking Seoulite from the northern region.

Ever fond of donning her brimless chapeau

(that's flapper hat in Yankee speak) with a hand stitched bow.

Brickhouse red sweater, pouty red lipstick,

she prepares her thighs the way I love'em--thick.

Her friends time their clocks to her Rolex watches

and, Ms. Pompidou is hardly obnoxious.

My co-workers invited me to the oddest get-together

to fancy this as the norm is indeed clever:

what does one bring to a sauna party

aside from orthopedic sandals? A fifth of Barcardi?

One thing I can present --- if all else fails:

Inflame my co-workers with Motolov cocktails!

Get it? Inflame! Motolov? Yes, I'm so funny

it fails to remind me that I'm a man without money.

2003-02-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

Rude Advice from a Perfect Gentlemen

Hmmph! That's what a little dose of vanity will get you--

A slight dent in your armor is enough to upset you.

As if I'm solely to blame for ruining the wildlife environment;

as if I'm the one who forced Ron Jeremy's retirement.

No, I'm the hapless gent who failed to say "Good morning"

before the clock struck twelve, and it's non-stop scorning.

One thing is certain in our diseased culture:

ill-manners turn friend into foe, foe into vulture.

Sometimes ettiquette can be miscontrued

when attempting to learn what is downright rude.

It is better to fart than belch at the dinner table.

It is better to have one worthy witch among your stable.

Become a backstabber before you become a befriender.

When it's all said and done, become a capital offender.

2003-02-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

War Tension Budding

The ninety-minute transit from Il-san, Korea

to Seoul ushers me through the doors of a local pizzeria.

My sweet potato pizza embraces sweet pickles and tabasco

while I unfold my journal to the Gulf fiasco:

As Bush pens "WAR", in red ink, into his daily planner,

allied forces react in a lukewarm manner.

France's Chirac remains unswayed by rhetoric,

insisting our president's views are intensely myopic.

Other leaders hold views similar to Jacques Chirac.

Turkey, for instance, opposes war with Iraq.

Yet, Prime Minister Gul, first considering national interests,

renovates Turkish bases for "welcome guests".

Some nations argue war should be the nadim

of unrelenting resistance, and not a hasty ultimatim.

2003-02-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

One Photo during World Cup

Sorry, the other photographs appeared so terrible

that the justified comments would have proved unbearable.

Still...more to come.

2003-02-05T06:09:00.000-08:00

It's Over...for Now

Well, I made it to Lotte the other day.

What four-letter word can I best convey

the once stoic expression written on my face?

D-A-M-N is the term I chose in this case.

The manager, finally sold me hot grams of the stuff

black market style. If that weren't enough

I haggled with the miser for a decent price:

You'd think his cheese consultants mulled over the issue twice.

I fancy the product is kept in an underground vault

lest the imperial Mickey Mouse may stage an assault,

under the auspice of the Milwaukee militia,

(Frankly, I'd rather whack Patrick to lay Patricia)

armed with seasoned dachsunds to expose the guiles

of Provolone smugglers willing to ship it in vials.

Albeit if Monterrey Jack had flown in the contraband

Life would have been half as sour as Charles Limberger planned.

One day I ought to curb this surreal enthusiasm

although most agree it's mere sarcasm.

2003-02-03T14:52:00.000-08:00

In search of Parmesean

It happened last Saturday morning at the local Walmart

in Il-san, Korea, wheeling a loaded cart,

streaming down the aisles in search of parmesean cheese

to later garnish my spaghetti finer than Chef Boyardee's.

But since the local talent singled out that sad excuse

of stale mozerella or goat cheese that wouldn't please a goose,

I spent forty minutes interrogating the staff

until Mr. and Mrs. Stock Clerk began to laugh,

"Spaghetti cheesu, yogi opse yo!"*

Convinced and frustrated, left to my chagrin,

decided all I needed was time and discipline.

The following day, I rode the subway to Lotte World

Lotte has everything, but my fingers curled

into a heart-shaped fist, the Lotte Tower had closed

save the cinema and food court, there I nosed

about--there she stood on display, taunting me

with her amber granules, waiting idly.

Manic Monday, I was offered a lift

by my supervisor, immediately following the seven o'clock shift.

She even offered assistance, yet drove me elsewheres:

her vehicle, her rules, playing musical chairs

with other co-workers she also offered a ride,

then, carelessly, she brushed my antics aside,

"Are you sure you're making spaghetti tonight?"

"I'm feeling hungry and Italian. You offered to help, alright?"

We rambled over the issue. Duckie thought she was smart

as she steered her Sonata in the path of Walmart!

Hmmph! The nerve. And the Lotte Tower was still nearby,

so I pressed the issue until she gave it a try.

Somebody doesn't like me. They shut their doors at seven thirty.

Suddenly, the good, the bad, and the ugly began to get dirty.

Should I desist, or let the drama continue?

Stay tuned, my friends, for the final venue.

* We don't have spaghetti cheese here

If you interested in lending any leads for my dinner,

please send comments and offerings to:

PLEASE, SEND THE CHEESE

c/o Sahr Sankoh

"DREAM HOUSE" 301 ho

1597-6, Jung-san town

Il-san 2 dong,

Il-san gu, Koyang city

Kyunggido

South Korea

Thanks for your time

2003-02-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

Belated Greetings

Since our post-modern society regards intellectual property,

please, pardon me for failing to introduce myself properly:

The surname is Sankoh, despite the coffee, watch, movie or number*,

my West African parents were never reared in hunger.

The name is Sahr. Starts with an "S". Rhymes with an "R".

Resist the temptation to go this far:

Don't pronounce the "h" in public. The surrounding listeners

may dub me a terrorist, placing yours truly with prisoners.

Yes, I promised photographs. Give me a second

to scan the pics as a good friend beckoned.

* Sanka, Seiko, Psycho or cinco (five in spanish)

2003-01-31T01:02:00.000-08:00

Wandering Views

Another day. Another won*. Another cultural drawback.

Another day to contemplate the notorious bratpack.

One would counter: why bother if the teacher incessantly nitpicks

until the aforementioned observes their nasty tricks:

Like clasping their hands together to form mini-guns

eager to poke the foreign teacher in the buns.

Should I tolerate such behavior? No. I'd rather blow the whistle

on mischevious pranksters with a Rambo water pistol.

Mr. English Teacher was a prankster once

so I'll render each offender the consequence of their stunts.

Tonight's the Lunar New Year. God only knows my destination.

Yet there's a seven to one chance I'm partying near Sinchon station.

With whom? Who else? Me, myself, and I

will paint the town scarlet as if it's do or die.

The sea dividing Korea and Japan

remains unnamed since their feuding began.

Don't ask for my opinion but I think it's arrogance

and national prowess that instigates the pretense.

Methinks France and Germany relied solely on patience

that helped reconcile the neighbors' bitter relations.

Japan's imperalism meant decades;Spain, England centuries.

Some argue the practice continues in world penetentaries.

Only Thailand escaped periods of colonization

in Asia with fewer reasons to enact a xenophobic demonstration.

Anyways, my reflections on an article by one Aidan Foster Carter

has granted me one less opportunity to brand myself a martyr.

Ahem! Photos of Seoul are in the process

but there are time-managing issues that I must address.

* won --- the national tender of South Korea

2003-01-25T19:12:00.000-08:00

Little Rascals

Lately, I'm undergoing a series of brain farts.

In my mind, I'm throwing imaginary darts

at every youngster in my kindergarten class

who each deserve a swift kick in the ass!

Nobody told me I needed a clowning certificate

at McDonaldland U. to do the teaching bit.

Bozo the clown didn't have to retire:

The Lynn Kim English School would've maintained the fire.

On my first day they nearly gave me the shits!

So I feel it's high time that I name the culprits:

Richard and Nicole, Alice and Cindy,

Jacky and Russel, Brian and Sylvie.

All determined to get under my skin

"Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin"

I'll huff and puff and whip every brat

behind the camera (of course) in one minute flat

In my dreams! Those kids insure my stay

in Ilsan, Korea when they have their way.

Or else I answer to my supervisor

Daisy Duck--some tried to chatise her

but, like a clown, most play their role;

besides, I'm poised to enjoy myself in the heart of Seoul

2003-01-18T20:36:00.000-08:00

A Man Called Teacher

It's been six days and I'm already in the swing of things

No telling what heavens and hells this country brings

Does anyone know of any good nursery rhymes?

(Look who's asking?) I know but sometimes

I'd rather fabricate a naughty limerick

than sing songs for tots that'll drive me sick

I like my job, but I won't fall in love with it

--besides, even twelve months is a great deal to commit.

And as for the speel about Anti-American sentiment

in Both Koreas, I fail to see much to prevent

me from staying. Y'know students love the protest bandwagon

plus this is the year of the sheep and not the year of the dragon.

FYI*, the local time difference is GMT** plus four hours,

And now it's time to partake in one of many Hollywood showers

Stay tuned in a few, maybe we'll discuss politics and Hollywood.

A tiny break from Seoul should do me good.

* For your Info

** Greenwich Median Time

2003-01-14T14:39:00.000-08:00

Relax

I realize the mild hiatus since I've updated

Yet there's no excuse to stand annoyed or frustrated.

I'm merely in the process of sorting out my business,

For the moment Dan Sadler can pledge as my witness.

Being my second day in Seoul, Korea

I failed to contract any virus to render diarrhea.

Why? Don't you read archives? I'm an ESL instructor

whose won the appreciation of the administrative conductor.

A gig is a gig, though the culture shock may be difficult

the American Embassy I can always consult.

The U.S. government is braving an ever-challenging period

plus I wouldn't suggest this job as a cakewalking bid.

Lately, teaching in Korea has enormous benefits:

an apartment free of charge, worthwhile exhibits

to see, economic transport to consider--

yet methinks the position best suits the freelancing babysitter.

We'll see in the end!

2003-01-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

Vanilla Coke Fatality

Surprise! Figured that I was out on the bayou,

seasoning gourmet pate with pico de gallo,

ripe guacamole, and rich sour cream,

humming the Viva El Revolucion theme.

Mexico: revered for the warlord Aztecas

Mexico: home of the great tamale meccas.

Sorry, I'm still lounging in lackluster D.C.

where breakfast politics is prepared over easy

Horrific teen tragedy in the Post yesterday,

as expected, erupted into local dismay.

A Heatheresque murder commited,

hopeful that promises of acquittal become forfeited.

This time around, I'll forego brevity;

You draw conclusions for the teen's naivete:

Vanilla Coke, laced with cyanide,

served with a smile is how Benjamin died.

Young Ryan Furlough, to be tried for felony,

reasoned as he did in the name of jealousy.

Malice stirred within him since October,

ordering twice the poison delivered by a cobra;

from where? Online. He's an internet shopper.

(Buying anywhere else would be deemed improper)

Why? He held a love jones for Ben's girlfriend,

so he brought the fellow gamer's life to an end.

What annoys me most--he's incessantly "profiled"

by family, friends alike as a wholesome child,

while reports claim he endured depression,

and, for months on end, attended therapy session.

Albeit the defense presses the insanity plea,

and, like the Texas mother case, will dissolve in obscurity.

2003-01-05T23:02:00.000-08:00

The Old Hound

An old hound, in his days of youth, revealed

devotion to his master each day in the field.

With the passage of time his strength has gone,

yet, as a servant to his master, he did prolong.

One day, out hunting, he confronted a boar,

seized the beast by the ear but his jaw was sore,

next his teeth failed him, and the boar ran free.

His master, seeing this, commenced a whopping spree

on the aged servant until he cried,

“Master, spare me at once, let the beating slide,

blame my strength and teeth, no sense of fear

had overwhelmed me when I grabbed its ear

nor was I timid nor even nervous

but tis failure ensued with my loyal service.”

2003-01-05T14:52:00.000-08:00

Winter Wonderland

Here I am. Boxed myself in the house again.

Probably won't leave until half past ten

You know. thirty minute drive. Destination: nowhere

Yet it's not as stimulating as a game of solitaire.

I can't wait to board that jet plane

Sunday's a week away and it won't be in vain.

2003-01-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

What Day is it, Again?

Motivation: sometimes it appears, sometimes it disappears

Oftentimes it's not enough to quench your fears.

Albeit it's one of my introspective mood swings,

violated karmas, or those clairoyant things

that premeate your mind when you feel confined,

athough you try your John Brownest to merely unwind.

Comprehend! If not, why bother! It's my affair.

Besides, other matters at hand still deserve my care

Bought a gray, three-button suit. Looks pretty good on me.

It reflects my somber ways as it should on me.

I think I'll offset the canvas with a sparking yellow tie

to convey to beholders that I'm apt to defy

conventional images with an inobtrusive manner

without flaunting my persona onto a dancing banner.

2003-01-01T10:25:00.000-08:00

Brand New Year

How did you celebrate New Years Eve?

Did you celebrate in ways I wouldn't believe?

Did you strum enough courage to kiss and hug a stranger?

If you went ahead to kiss a friend, then you're asking for danger.

Me? This year was insufficient to ignite a spark

It isn't the first time I've celebrated with Dick Clark

You'd think disc jockeying was the secret to longevity

simply reminding yourself this man's over seventy.

I didn't mind breaking the new year with rap star Nelly

but I've had my fill of that song already.

It's December in the States. It's not "Hot in Here"

Plus, dealing with pneumonia can prove severe.

We assume worldwide that the new year swing remains en vogue.

But my experience screams the contrary on one shade of the globe.

In 1999, I spent the winter holiday in Yokohama, Japan.

Where emotional outbursts were created by children of Tarzan.

There's no compromising excuse for losing face

unless you're a uncouth foreigner representing your race.

I do not deem myself a spokesman for all themes Japanese

So bring your written assault to a halt and just freeze.

Is there anything on the set for a college football game?

If not I encourage you to try something lame.

Well, wherever you are, I hope the sun still shines on you.

Today, every day, and may those days be fruitful.

2002-12-31T09:56:00.000-08:00

The Vain Crow

A crow, in particular, was renown for his conceit,

once proved his vanity with an inane feat.

He gathered peacock feathers, applied them to his own.

Then scoffed at his peers with an elitist tone.

Marching away from his disappointed flocks,

stood in the company of beautiful peacocks.

The birds grew annoyed by the invader’s assumed

position of equality left the onlookers fumed.

Stripped the vain thing of his stolen feathers,

discouraging the thought of any silly endeavors,

assaulted the crows with their bills and claws.

Thus brought an end to the victim’s cause.

He returned to his flock elated as if nothing occurred

yet they shared no guilt for the cocky bird.

Instead they drove the hypocrite away

but one confronted him with this to say:

if you with your equals had been satisfied

your betters had no reason to mock your pride.

2002-12-31T09:53:00.000-08:00

The Hawk and the Pigeons

Of hawks some pigeons kept a haunting fear

so hiding was common when hawks drew near.

Pigeons weren’t known to brave chances;

prudence prevailed over all circumstances.

Fruitless attacks encouraged one predator

to use cunning tactics to change their behavior.

“Why” he offered, ‘do you prefer a life of constant chills

when I can rid the young of life-threatening ills?”

Elect me as your king and leave those worries behind

And the state of pigeonhood shall be redefined.”

As soon as he was installed he decreed an action

to devour a pigeon daily to his royal satisfaction.

“We all had it coming.” said a regretful pigeon

Who had then discovered that his day was done.

Happy New Year!

2002-12-29T08:52:00.000-08:00

Televiewing Tots

Today, I'll refrain from viewing the TV.

Now that I've said it, it'll be far from easy.

My nephews are three---already glued to the screen,

watching comcast cable at midnight is extreme.

I prefer that the twins begin reading first,

not watching Sponge Bob til their eyeballs burst.

Who am I to judge? I'm their uncle, that's who.

But the father's thoughts won't budge, won't bear to catch a clue.

They parade in the house with videotapes in hand:

Blue's Clues, Dora the Explorer held in demand.

Either label me a misfit, my brother a nitwit.

You can tame a young pup with a milkbone and biscuit

but children can be reared without the national broadcast

association, lending way to comics, maybe twice as fast.

Don't expect me to quip lines from Top Gun

or Lord of the Rings to my unborn son.

Yes, Y-antigens run deep in our family

and my child won't bow to boob-tube clamity.

well knowing that PS2 are the greatest nannys

in lieu of perverted sitters, work horse grannys.

Although I'm prone to watching shows as well

I'll postpone my child's moment of introverted hell.

2002-12-27T15:23:00.000-08:00

Issues

Come join me for cocktails! Say Virgin Coladas

this weekend at Adams Morgan at Julia's Empanadas.

Okay! Maybe later--before the year ends

Perhaps afterwards. Have you started your resolution trends?

Well, have you? Me? Nothing remotely comes to mind

Perfection exudes from my pores. Simply one of a kind.

Seriously. I plan to refrain from thoughtless thrill seekers

in the selfsame manner I refrain from loudspeakers.

United States, again, is tettering on the brink

of nuclear warfare. So I'm led to think,

juggling Iraq in one palm, North Korea the other.

Personally, I feel the latter is merely a cover--

displaying an image, if I trust the vibe,

the nation promptly greases her palm for a bribe.

Why else would they readily announce to the world

that reactors of proliferation shall be unfurled?

2002-12-24T17:12:00.000-08:00

Rated PG Smut Reader

Caught thumbing through a copy of FHM from Malaysia

Spiraling me, the covergirl, and leggy fantasia.

Lord knows I'm apathetic to the chimes of White Christmas

well knowing I could be bathing off the Panamanian isthmus.

"Aw! Christmas in Washington fled from the dark recesses

of my subconscious", my alter ego confesses.

One Rob MacFie incessantly mulled over the answer

of best coping with threats of testicular cancer.

When a varicose vein disproved malignant growth

after ultrasound scanning, MacFie made the oath

to apply prescribed creams on the jewels twice daily;

if anything, the scrotum appears less scaly.

Would you believe I met Besir Kuzucuk

last year in U.A.E. What kind of luck

to encounter one man, one record-long moustache

parading Dubai's downtown sector seeking cash.

It starts with a virus, then infection seizes

a host of victims with complicated diseases:

Onchocerciasis, also known as River Blindness,

widespread in Africa where the unfortunate find this

parasitic worm that blinds its host.

Japanese encephalitis has been discovered in most

rural rice growing nations: Burma, Korea, Vietnam,

subduing the martyr into paralytic calm.

GQ subscribers mustn't condemn readers

hovering from Maxim, Stuff, FHM readers

Only pity of epitome of eternal boyhood shrines,

misogynistic ventures, childish confines

but separate it from the spartan information

rendered newsworthy to the X-er generation.

2002-12-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

No Pussyfooting About it

Most mammals dwelling within a miasma

of noxious vapors derive symptoms of asthma.

Cats inhaling the narcotic aroma

stand twice likely to develop feline lymphoma.

Second hand fumes, scientists trust

is as lethal as carcinogenic dust.

So, cut down on the veterinarian trips:

Remove the cigar from the kitten's lips.

2002-12-16T20:18:00.000-08:00

Stakes are High

Will greed devour all like an unbridled flame;

In Baldacci's Winner, it depends on the endgame.

Our heroine waited on tables without end,

and came home to her first born and her hapless boyfriend.

LuAnne Tyler wanted comfort for her infant daughter,

now LuAnne's wanted on counts of aggravated manslaughter.

Jackson, an investment wizard of a thousand faces,

offered her wealth for exile on a permanent basis.

As a pair, both outflanked airbourne authority;

later the strategist focused on his coveted minority.

To ensure freedom, she relented to the ultimatim

but, to Jackson's chagrin, later betrayed him,

unable to stomach longer the price of exile,

unable to endure longer her state of denial,

purchased a quaint cottage in the Mid-Atlantic

while a curiousity drew a journalist frantic.

Charlie swore to protect LuAnne as a rook to his queen,

pledging solace and guardian as his sole routine.

Her benefactor, outraged by his assailant's return,

resolved to finish Tyler as his prime concern:

His middlegame: to examine the pros and cons

as a grandmaster prompting to sacrifice his pawns,

both Tyler and Jackson aim to control their fate,

the endgame refused to dissolve in stalemate.

Baldacci's Winner challenges hedonistic goals,

conveying that the root of all evil does have its tolls.

2002-12-13T17:56:00.000-08:00

Paraskevidekatriaphobia*

O Phobia! O Phobia! O where art thou?

Willst thou plague me forty years from now?

There's always someone (if not you, your cousin)

who's wildly superstitious over the devil's dozen**

Fear of being left alone - monophobia

Fear of raising your tone - phonophobia

My phobia is the effect of being torn apart

if the Naked Cowboy steals my girlfriend's heart

Everyone has a phobia? What the heck is yours

besides being caught stealing in department stores?

Six million frights. Go on. Choose one.

Each one you choose, you're bound to lose one.

* fear of the day of Friday the 13th

** the dreaded number -- 13

2002-12-11T01:04:00.000-08:00

La Dance des Vampires

"Garlic! Garlic! The secret of staying young,

Garlic! Garlic! That's why we're so well hung!"

The Dance of the Vampires

"Defamation of character", the plantiff insisted,

"Transylvanian flora and fauna remains blacklisted."

There, there, Mrs.Rice, it's only a spoof"

"But such garbage will excite the loins of youth!"

Firstoff, this is, in fact, a biased report--

second hand experience--don't dare resort

to heeding my gospel--not a word of it.

Besides, three hours earlier, I never heard of it.

Oddly enough, I can scarce provide you

with a smidgin of the plot to guide you:

Count von Krolock woos a barely legal virgin

away from Alfred (methinks a dental surgeon).

Based on Polanski's "Fearless Vampire Killers",

maintaining the canon of worthy vampire thrillers.

Marks asserts its caricatures lame, its humor callous

e.g. the serenading jokes involving the phallus.

I know you're guessing why, in the name of Elvis,

is their dark comedy lurking about the male pelvis?

"Vampires" boasts well choreographed acrobatics

for you nostalgic Mary Loo Retton fanatics.

Numerous stage props yet you may sadly discover

that a rumored Jim Carey auditioned to play the rival lover.

One plantive outcry of the musical extravaganza

is that Jim Steinman penned every stanza.

All jokes aside, I know that you will enjoy the show

so dish out fifty dollars--my pyschic tells me so.

2002-12-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

Proper Childrearing Drugs

"These boys are not victims of toxic brain chemistry.

They are victims of a toxic childhood."

David Concar

BCC Science Correspondent

Despite Billy Connolly's or Sam Morton's success,

both admit being victims of childhood stress.

Researchers suspect an underactive gene

induces male adults to fashion ways obscene.

Monoamine oxidase, so Science states,

etches out a man of resilent traits.

Whom do the essayists think they're deceiving?

I refuse to swallow the medical pap. Not even

several rounds of vodka with an absolut twist of lime

will convince me such that a depleted enzyme

makes maltreated youngsters turn infamous gansters,

violent offenders, or anti-social pranksters.

So, when Adam first bit into a Red Delicious

did its amino acids render mankind malicious?

Such a paranoid world hell bent on tranquilizers

pain relievers, and libido revitalizers

should reconsider their motives to act

upon one's psyche or leave their genes intact.

Suppose a link exists with the disheveled behavior

and healthy increments prevail as the proven saviour?

Bullies won't discourage Li'l Johnny from smiling

nor deter his urge to hear works from Joseph Seagal's violin.

Never feel pressured to exact revenge:

Mother provides the wonder toxin in a sterile syringe.

I think someone's wheels will have spun off their axle

the day we're offered lobotomy in a chewable capsule.

2002-12-08T02:01:00.000-08:00

Return to the Hermit Kingdom

I'm lounging at a half-bar, half-karaoke set-up;

Ten minutes past closing, the barmaid insists I get up.

Stuck daydreaming of a new life abroad

where I'll transform myself into a notorious tightwad.

Seoul awaits me. Impatiently. What more matters

than engorging my palate with Bulgogi platters?

The job. Right. Working as an ESL* teacher

will smartly accent my resume feature.

Seoulites prefer sojus over Manhattans and mimosas

And the ladies, as expected, tend to play virtuosas.

Mass hysteria claimed FIFA 2002

The days Korea shone red. A patriotic zoo.

Twenty minutes after closing. Any second I'm bound to head out

Security's deciding probably how to persuade me to get out.

What if Jackie Chan ever met Bette Middler

with more insufferable antics than Batman's Riddler?

NANTA. Seoul's answer to Broadway's finest.

Lest you're a drama purist, you'd be impressed.

The peninsula, renowned for ginseng lovers,

besides leading the world in precious mink covers,

boasts the fourth-largest Catholic saints in the world

while in 1976 a central mosque unfurled.

Also responsible for the black crane zither

(this tidbit of trivia doesn't intrigue me either)

modeled after a zither of Jin Dynasty China;

don't bother asking whether it plays in B mina.

Koreans are fiercely proud of their heritage:

it resounds in their culture, lifestyle, image.

Well, I must end my rambling. It's thirty past closing.

I can't conjure a better lie than, "My feet were frozen."

* English as a Second Language

2002-12-05T21:12:00.000-08:00

Fatal Care

In Fatal Care Goldberg takes the reader further

than Sex! Lies! Murder! Murder! Murder! Murder!

Gene transfer is the theme of tonight's thriller

with a villan less apt to harm a caterpillar

Joanne, pathologist, unsurpassed in profession,

handles three unrelated homocides in question.

An immigrant found in a grave site shot;

A millionaire investor toppled from his yacht;

A politician dead to the rarest of cancers;

yet Blalock pries harder to unearth answers.

Biomed, of which the late Rabb invested millions,

intended to thwart him from harvesting billions

from manipulating stem cells into cells of interest

using viral specimens, enabling microbes to manifest.

Mrs.Rabb, the widow, maintained three men at once

under the influence of her sensual stunts.

Mervin Tuch thought he outwitted the mistress

until his blood suffocated his lungs, nonetheless.

Nancy Tanaka refuted one kinky favor

And incessantly suffers to immature behavior.

Merril lusted Tanaka as Tuch lusted Rabb

whether onboard the yacht or the research lab.

The assassin discovers her future's cursed

unless she counters Joanne Blalock first.

Goldberg packs Fatal with ill-fated demises

in which avarice bears plenty disguises

His medical acumen commands eerie heights.

A guaranteed cure-all for the lackluster nights.

2002-11-30T16:56:00.000-08:00

Childhood Memories

Probably wondering why I'm blogging on a Saturday night;

yea, I know I won't suffer (my reputation might).

Fate took me on a nostalgic hayride.

Phoebe Hearst Elementary! Still glowing with pride.

She's still unscathed by city hall's hardnosers,

remembering General Hospital--attacked by bulldozers.

What bites deeper? Private history crumbled or torn asunder;

especially under the might of bureaucratic thunder.

Life continues. Notice October in splendor. Autumn leaves.

Picturesque features Mother Nature conceives.

"The Little House" remained the same, as I recall.

On the concrete porch, we all played dodgeball.

One thing that vanished but my memory revealed:

the pair of swingsets that sat in the field.

I was five years old, pushing a girl on a swing

both enjoying ourselves, waiting for the bell to ring,

Impatiently we waited the final ring, instead

the returning swing crashed into my forehead.

One roach stitch, twenty four years later,

The P.T.A. mug still sits atop the frigerator.

2002-11-29T15:54:00.000-08:00

The Whiny Hypochondriac

Lately, I have been feeling mighty drowsy;

no turkey hangover can make me this lousy

I'm suffering from African sleeping sickness

without a tsetse fly in the sky to inflict this.

Maybe it's a symptom of mad cow disease

I contracted from sampling chocolate covered fleas.

I'm joking but I'd bet my last quarter

that I'm privy to a mild form of sleeping disorder.

I went to the doctor to obtain a prognosis

not a lecture on how my pubic hair was ferocious.

"Why, Mr.Sankoh, are you compelled to tickle us;

the staff and I find your story ridiculous?

You need to crop those hedges before I can take over.

Until then I suggest a Richard Simmon's makeover.

I retorted,"You wouldn't go laughing on your way to the bank

without me in mind. I'm the one to thank!"

I know I'm sick.That M.D. is bonkers!

She's always hard pressed to view my Willy Wonkers!

Many days flew by. No guesswork evolved

except the no-brainer to leave my case unsolved.

Well, one morning the TV said something strange:

"It's high time to move your fat ass for a change!"

Then the movers & shakers gospel was revealed to me.

I was depressed because the world wouldn't yield to me.

Froggy opportunity, was I too proud to grab it?

Hence the foul sleeping binge befell me quick, dangnabbit!

Although unbridled depression will assume many stages,

it won't prevent the Book of Time from turning its pages.

2002-11-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

Pandora the Explorer

Advice to Rice fans enthralled with goth-romance:

Find your way to Barnes & Noble once you have the chance.

Our author ushers Lydia, self-styled Pandora

mature enough to recall the fall of Gomorrah.

Augustus Rome is her birthplace, her father a Senator,

Condemned to lose both in escaping her predator.

As a teenage lass, her wise elder forbid

Lydia to recite the bawdy lyrics of Ovid.

Suspect traitors doomed to the ires of fire

as paranoia-woven witchhunts overwhelmed the Empire.

Lydia's condemned father, labeled a threat to the throne,

exiled his daughter to be left on her own.

Solace meant Greece. Her rescuers bade her well

in Antioch in search of slave personnel.

Flavius, an ivory peg-legged servant

left Pandora astonished by his nature observant.

The twice-married widower finds her beau

Marius the historian, despite, many moons ago,

he long since proposed for her loving embraces

but her father denied the seemingly outrageous.

Oftentimes, Marius scorned her behavior

of exalting Isis as goddess and savior.

Of her unloyal actions Marius grew suspicious:

her offering immortality against his wishes,

her seething beliefs that mathematics and logic

deemed meaningless drove him lethargic.

Yet the day they engaged in brutal violence

against five guests prompted Marius' silence.

References to stoic beliefs, the fabled histories

of Saint Paul and Jesus, interwoven mysteries

revealed Rice's allusive, narrative style

but I doubt I'll review her works for awhile.

2002-11-27T15:02:00.000-08:00

Rogue Warrior Revisited

Admittedly, I was left dissatisfied with this installment

but Tom Clancy fans may stand impressed with his content.

Marcinko takes the reader on an autobiographic tour,

displaying strongarm tactics that would humble a boar.

How he led as commander of Seal Team Six,

his beloved brawlers in combat learned notorious tricks.

The Navy, due to hero's unconventional planning,

grudgingly forged Marcinko's name into SPEC WAR's canon.

He performed without remorse, facing mudslides, napalm,

ambushes, and Victor Charlie* in the war of Vietnam.

This high school drop-out eventually earned degrees:

Political Science, Foreign Relations after warring overseas.

Noncommital affairs, estranged wife,

obstinate rules of action, ebbing family life

exacted his divorce but still engaged to the fleet

until despised cohorts designed the swap-meet.

Replacing Marcinko with a "by-the-book" official

which, of course, followed with the author's dismissal.

To add the list of Navy's betrayal, court martial

proceedings ensued to a judge impartial.

Soon enough he had to serve his sentence:

several months in prison rewards his arrogance.

I won't reveal the ending but I've given the plot.

Overall, an entertaining tale of an amphibious hotshot.

* Viet Cong

2002-11-26T14:30:00.000-08:00

A Friendly Letter

Dear B______,

Pardon me, pardon me from a belated reply

Been down on my luck but don’t ask why

“It’s darkest before the dawn? so I’m told

I’ll apply it to experience until I grow old

Just find me a passage from the book of Romans

That will thwart the theme of sacrilegious omens

I know what you’re thinking—“just what will it take

To spare myself from reaping this headache??

Is B___ due for the bouncing baby babe?

After it’s born will you make it behave?

I’m unfit to cope with a tantrum holder

And I refrain from those that hurl over the shoulder

Aside from expectations, how are your parents?

Apart from the barbecue we haven’t spoken since

I didn’t fare well on my motorcycle lessons:

Failed in two areas. Need to retake sessions

Forget my life so dismal, so cataclysmal

I wondering whether I’ll make the baptismal

Well knowing this seafaring career is off without notice

With such far-fetched issues can I ever stay focused?

Does life as an art teacher paint a positive lesson

To your zealous pupils towards life’s progression?

Okay, lame rhyme. Nothing didactic to write.

So let me finish this verse and call it a night!

As always,

Sahr

2002-11-24T19:04:00.000-08:00

Mummy Mysteria

Bodies found in Lee County, northwest of Miami.

Unlike most murders, what I found uncanny

is, besides the uncovered memo in German inscription,

that the victims lay mummified like a early Egyptian.

Josef and Liz Fuchs decaying since 1999

without a soul to dial an emergency hotline.

The taxman intended on selling the home

that chief inspectors pick apart with a comb.

Plus an acquaintance (albeit an accomplice)

or daily passer-bys failed to notice

indefatigable lamps, uncut lawn,

mail-ridden doorstep, need I go on?

No one realized that things were amiss?

No one understood why it led to this?

No one suspected anything for three whole years?

Three whole years to recognize no one interferes!

On America's list of poor counties to live in,

Another blessing remembered on the eve of Thanksgiving.

2002-11-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

Whose Pulse Is It, Anyway?

If you read Friday's Post and skimmed the Metro section,

you'd suspect whether physicians groom to perfection.

Pulse Felt By 2 Staffers was Mistake, Official Said

Some thought-provoking themes are best left unread.

Story holds that two physicians detected a palse

on Deborah Wilson now deemed as false,

insisted, "you can perceive your pulse as their pulse...."

So, if a victim of a seizure fails to writhe and convulse,

disregard the ABCs*, they'll be presumed dead on arrival.

You're unable to read signs, what chance is survival?

These medics "experienced" a mild case of strepthroat,

found themselves unavailable as the press kept note.

In stepped Jonathon Arden** to brainwash the minds of many.

Who fell prone to propaganda? Hardly any.

Say, whom else shall shed the Chief Examiner pity?

Consider the attenders of the Closed-Door committee.

Does it take Cyril Wecht, former leader in Florensics

to outweigh a dose of doubt from a pound of theatrics?

Apparently, coroners, undertakers all witness a host

of incredible antics, unknown to most.

A hearse driver told me, unabashed, for starters,

that on board cadavers are notorious farters.

Albeit necrophiliacs cry bloody surrender

from vice-like muscles once assumed tender.

Paramedics withheld newsworthy documents,

claimed as classified, maintaining their silence.

Remember: when agents of the press make matters intense.

Count on professionals to provide the nonsense.

* Airway, Breathing, Circulation the vital signs checked in a first aid situation

** the Chief Medical Examiner in question

2002-11-20T18:57:00.000-08:00

Remodeling in the Hindu Fashion

This morning I tackled a copy of the Utne Reader:

seething brain food for the charismatic leader.

The October issue brought to view softly

a 4,000 year old practice in Eastern Philosophy

Not to lecture like Carl Jung or Pretty Boy Freud

though the road to godhood is an untapped void.

Vastu fashions around lofty elements

akin to Western beliefs, yet it presents,

to soul seekers alike it humbly recruits,

nine definite sections of varying attributes:

1. NORTHWEST: airy elements; unsettled environs

2. NORTH: security, health, & finance; must rest your head to the north

3. NORTHEAST: water; serene values; tranquil zone, mediation

4. WEST: darkness, obscurity, bedrooms, living rooms, calm of the night

5. CENTER: space (ether) spiritual energy

6. EAST: realm of enlightenment, recommended for front door

7. SOUTHWEST: earth element; wisdom, emotional strength, heaviest furniture

8. SOUTH: cycle of life & death, duty, responsibility

9. SOUTHEAST: fire element; electrical appliances

Overall, the Hindu faith readily presumes

with a trustworthy compass you should rearrange your rooms.

Each to his own, though I admire the pact

to establish strong environs to hold karma intact.

2002-11-17T22:18:00.000-08:00

King Reckless

It's Friday night. Going stag to the Essence,

the nightclub of choice for underage adolescents.

These losers inside make the scene nauseating:

Since when did Godzilla and Rodan start dating?

See that --- that fashion cop on patrol

should have busted that Madonna for a misplaced mole.

Do the ladies still crave a glass of Sex on the Beach?

"What do you prefer, baby, Berry Schnapps or Peach?"

My flair of chat frowns on topics sex-related

but the tone of my voice keeps the misses sedated.

Holy bodacious ta-tas, Batman!

Whose mother brought the batter to the frying pan?

Aunt Jemima couldn't conjure a finer set of flapjacks;

I'm glad I swore off those Little Debbie snacks.

We exchanged names, numbers, and sloppy wet kisses;

after twenty minutes of teasing, girlfriend hisses,

"Can we leave this place. Get better acquainted?"

"Yea. Plus I think it's quarter to closing, ain't it?

Did your Mommy ever explain the dangers,

calculated risks with riding with strangers?"

"Daddy, I'm grown. Let me go powder my nose."

She ought to stay in longer and file the bunions from her toes.

What's statutory rape without videotape,

a butt plug, some strong rope, a rodeo cape?

She returned. We left. I parked in an alley

adjacent to the club and the sportsbar O'Malley.

Before I make Exit 6, I see red at the stoplight.

While fondling my playmate, I peer to the right.

Some bratty rich kid has a turbocharged engine,

neon effects, designer rims, did I fail to mention

that I'm a racer. I'm tempted to play chicken tonight

but my new friend plans on spot licking tonight.

"Aye punk. You and your pushcart ready to play?"

Can that motor hit 60 in no time on the freeway?

To be continued

2002-11-12T22:22:00.000-08:00

Rogue Warrior

The “sabbatical” life is no longer moving

to the pace that once appeared improving.

Well, I had worse reason to complain;

Fortunate enough not to experience a migraine

I decided to read a new novel to pass the time

(There’s more to my existence than a simple rhyme)

For Chrissakes, it’s a homepage, what more do you want?

I wrote on Hollywood, Bikini Babes, that Barbie debuttante.

The cover’s says it lasted fifteen weeks as a healthy bestseller.

(If I could hold your attention longer, I’d be friggin’ Pen and Teller)

The novel, yes, the novel of a Navy Seal desperado

with an ego as a bitter as an unripe avocado.

The title’s Rouge Warrior, Richard Marcinko

misplaced more marbles than Japanese Pachinko.

I lie, the fact is, I haven’t started reading

So, before I even begin misleading,

I’ll offer the retired bloke an opportunity

to strut his stuff to the web zombie community

Okay, I give it a week to display my evaluation

of our naval hero for a timely conversation.

2002-11-11T23:49:00.000-08:00

Three more days of anxiety attacks

Feeling out of tune like a neglected sax

Worrying, fretful over a perplexed career

Hoping each decision overwhelms the fear

Presently searching for an insightful lady

One without the patience to drive me crazy

One without the motions of a three year old

One without the desires to watch me fold

One without the guiles of a misguided vision

One will aid me in the plight of my mission

Someday, when I think less of my hardships,

My doubtful friendships, my endless mood trips,

I shall face nature with outstretched arms

And learn to appreciate her worldly charms

2002-11-09T23:13:00.000-08:00

Bikini Karate Babes

Fellas, how about a night involving "C" cup action,

besides anticipating a ring from pop star Janet Jackson.

Focus in on the realm of overstuffed bikinis

matched with strategies and tricks that outwits Houdini's.

No Playboy Mansion, no parasol martini,

no promises to dish out leftover linguine.

I'm scribing to the theme of Bikini Karate Babes;

At the touch of a keystroke, they become your slaves!

What's the doggone use if a girl behaves?

The fantasy game the male chauvinist craves

with moves so sultry, their stunning physique

can justify adultery--your wife is weak!

Make Aphrodite dropkick Athena,

thrash Kakia on Isis, Venus, Lucina.

When Kakia concentrates on her fearful stance,

never mind the opponent with the cowgirl dance.

Rest assured that Venus, the Hapkini expert

strangleholds the fans on striptease alert.

These cyber celebrities are personality rich.

(Personally, I love to watch Volupta's navel twitch.)

Perhaps they'll stage a regional tour exhibit.

They paid DC101's Elliot a morning visit.

Thalia's tickling vengeance, Tien Wu's kickboxing

is geared to an audience dumber than oxen.

Kidding! Kudos to their method of handling vendettas:

Not once can I recall their use of Barettas,

or other loaded firearms, except their boobs,

T & A childplay, unlike those GameCubes.

It's glorified violence charged with comic appeal

I'm boxing my ears to all feminist spiel.

2002-11-07T19:00:00.000-08:00

C'mon, Barbie, Let's Go Party!

Enter the world of the most-envied debuttante,

revered worldwide for her passion to flaunt.

I speak of none else than the infamous Barbie,

who's received more wishes than Terence Trent D'arby.

Within the latest edition of Barbie Bazaar,

international variations from Cote d'Ivoire,

Mexico, England, Korea, Peru,

all showcased without the slightest tattoo.

What will it take to make Ken doll caress

a high tailored princess in a Mackie Gold dress

laced with a marabou feather boa? Prefferably strapless.

And take her in the buff before he can say "Undress!"

The following Barbie is an outright fox:

A Rapunzel figurine with platinium locks.

The "Queen of Hearts" Barbie suggests a clairoyant miss

whereas "Gay Parisenne" Barbie... a herpes kiss.

Wealthy purveyors, so intrigued with en vogue,

haute couture dollmakers, are captivated by a rogue!

A three figure price tag tickles Mattel's fancy,

purchasing an early replica is far too chancy.

Will Statefarm insure a fragile girl like her?

Think of that mischevious nephew's will to strike her.

And, like any other doll, she's never satisfied:

Barbie diamonds, Barbie pearls, Barbie mink stoles on the side,

sporting seven day bangles eight days a week,

and you wait, like a fool, for the day she'll speak.

With every red nickel she may dime you to death

with a Barbie stopwatch she'll time your last breath.

The keys of summertime will soon unlock her

horny desire to become Barbie Streetwalker.

Oh Lord have mercy! Can I get an amen?

Malibu Barbie's turning tricks for Ken.

Why did you purchase that ungrateful doll.

Probably out shopping strung on alcohol.

Well, stupid, are you feeling disgraced?

Never waltz into a hobby shop while you're shitfaced!

2002-11-04T19:06:00.000-08:00

News Briefs

Our library boasts an exceptional escape

from long winded novels via books-on-tape.

I read A Day Late and a Dollar Short;

albeit critics reviewed it in a lengthy report.

I scanned the subtitles in the muckraker post,

and raised my eyelids to whatever appealed the most.

Enlightened Technologies got a brand new bag!

er, rather creating gadgets to fight jet lag.

This Fairfax company mimics the sun's effect

on sleeping routines, from a biological aspect,

using eyeglasses that emit light into one's iris:

A modest breakthrough since dried papyrus.

Check for the website: www.etai.com

and transmit the briefing onto CD-ROM.

I never considered the sorrows of a juvenile delinquent

until I read up on the behaviors of a Mexican preccint

In Merida, troublesome youth, demanding

not to reside in pig stys, are forced to sleep standing.

Fancy how the pendulum of corruption swings:

Foster homes become fronts for prostitution rings

Unwarranted beatings bribe children for silence.

The eye of a vortex resembles the eye of violence.

Thursday, an earthquake in Italy claimed 26 children

and three adults within a school building.

Reports state classrooms, laden with heavy cement,

held poor structural integrity, prompted one father to vent,

" I'd really like to know who built this school!"

Although its defending engineers observed every rule,

their burning torch of reason dims

when rescuers uncover students with fractured limbs.

The townfolk in San Giuliano di Pulgia

mourn in silent unison amidst the miseria.

Curled in a bloody sofa or a f__king couch,

(Or that haven left reserved for Oscar the Grouch)

I absorb the daily digest to twelve ounces of cocoa,

and weigh the issues of Fairfax, Italy, and Mexico

on a lop-sided scale with imperfect readings,

Knowing life must continue despite its wayward proceedings!

2002-11-02T18:09:00.002-08:00

...Sponsored by the Letter "B"

The Information Age, with its varying forms of multimedia,

convinced me to abandon my old encyclopedia.

Now that Netsurfing grows as fickle as a selfish lover,

What my old relics offered I then re-discover.

All that's left is volume "B", all others--history;

I entertained myself unloading this letter's mystery.

Borneo lies between Indonesia and the Philippines,

filled with different mountain ranges and endless ravines,

immune to season changes, temperature's hold from 70 to 96

degrees Fahrenheit favors a regional mix

of heavy and mild rain, breeding a strong variety

of king cobras and crocodiles in its wildfire society.

"The Father of British Columbia", so called James Douglas

for a province known for its silver, salmon, molasses.

Thunderbird Park boasts a large collection of Indian totem poles

whereas big game and waterfalls Kootenay controls.

"Tiger! Tiger! burning bright", quipping from an English poet,

eccentric at best, and literary zealots did show it.

William Blake, as a child, spoke of angels in his presence;

his father threatened to punish him for false pretense.

Blake's work includes The Marriage of Heaven and Hell,

satirizing both worlds and man's urge to rebel.

I stormed through topics that showcased beavers,

batteries, baseball, baroque art, and Buddha believers,

Encyclopedias still deserve a place on the shelf,

consult your Time-Life operator, and enrich yourself.

2002-11-02T18:09:00.001-08:00

Halloween and Hollywood

I just figured out that yesterday was Hump Day;

I wonder what's playing at the nearby matinee.

The Harry Potter sequel should appear in November.

I passed on Barbershop, Jackass, Goldmember,

The film my young brother suggested

was Jackass the Movie, standing as the most requested.

and everything else released last summer.

Die Another Day will the hottest up-and-comer.

Just how many actors auditioned for James Bond?

Ian Fleming writes to see the world respond.

As for 8 Mile, l fail to see the reason beyond

why fans would pay eight bucks to view "the angry blond".

Oh, by the way, 'tis the eve of Halloween,

and I discourage trick-or-treater's past the age of eighteen.

Fine, scowl at me. I meant every word.

I think shuffling for sweets door to door is absurd.

Wouldn't you rather feel ashamed if I eyed you funny?

Wouldn't you rather stick me up for a weed sack full of money?

Anyways, refer to me as the timely whistle-blower

if I'm ever mistaken for an avid movie goer.

Though I'm dying to see the latest Jackie Chan flick:

His humor pulls no punches, nor a kung-fu kick,

whereas Hollywood beloved moron stars in Mr.Deeds;

his teen angst comedy is what his co-star needs.

Yes, Winona Ryder spends her 31st birthday on trial

Where she plays a new role: a rich thief in denial

Now possibly facing three years in jail,

plan on Columbia Tristar to post her bail.

One would say she had a hot date to impress

when she eyeballed a $1,595 Gucci slip dress.

She also had the hot nerve to pilfer from Saks Fifth Avenue.

" You're going to be watched, lady--everyone dreams of having you! "

Maxim readers worldwide dream of you on their mattress;

an irresponsible act to face for a high post actress.

Sandler's only claim to fame was Happy Gilmore

in my humble opinion, his other films I ignore.

I realized it's the producer's tough luck

that Saturday Night Live gave birth to the slap stick smuck*.

The DVD lineup generates tons of consumers

Episodes of the Sopranos quell mafia rumors

That ends it all for the dime-a-dozen critiques

Check out "aintitcoolnews" if your interest peaks!

* say that three times fast

2002-11-02T18:09:00.000-08:00

Here I sit, half-awake, half-drowsy

and I'm annoyed with myself since I'm feeling lousy,

Mulling over whether working abroad

would place me on better terms with God.

I'm not a pious individual, but I'm nearing thirty,

In my prime hoping my past deeds were worthy;

Now I'm prying through the binds viewing autumn at play

and at once drafting an professional resume.

Yes, I love exploring and soaring into new frontiers,

Spiraling further and further past illogical fears

Okay, back to earth. Opportunity beckons.

Expecting an answer in more than five seconds.

Ha ha. now I'm envisioning being with a covergirl sweetie,

Walking hand in hand along the shores of Tahiti,

barefooted, sipping from a jug of Zinfandel,

Her supple skin reminds me of sticky caramel,

She dons the strut of a cowgirl and the grace of a dancer

As they are in the islands past the Tropics of Cancer

She loves to wear ginger scented oils, a Koolaid smile,

and a string of teeth around her waist from a captured crocodile.

I say, " Je t'aime " hoping to veil her as a Polynesian bride

But her abrupt reply began to gnaw on my pride

" I am a wise gal of the isle, me you cannot bullshit!

I have long since dealt with your form of hypocrite.

Behind me back you see me a Jezebel

when in you also I see as a selfish infidel."

Well, I underestimated her; She's far too wise for me.

Her cheeky response was a tough surprise for me.

"Fine, let us enjoy the moment and not utter a vowel"

I fail to see why we should feel so foul.

Arggh! Enough of this sporadic daydream.

I bet a shrink can flush it out of my bloodstream.

2002-11-02T18:08:00.001-08:00

Highway poachers ought to keep their distance

I'm not the man to call for financial assistance

That's F as in Florida and A as in Alaska.

Consider Bank of America to swallow that fiasca.

Need I even mention that poor San Francisco's

tolerated plenty of loiterers at local discos.

Once my date gave a dollar to a clean-shaven man.

With my five o'clock shadow I'm denied raisin bran

Was that the plan to supplement his income

or should I feel remorse for the overpaid bum?

Plus the sadness of it all is that the game grows slicker,

realizing the scheme to purchase malt liquor.

Sorry to bore you. Frankly, I do take mild offense

to panhandling parasites that drive me tense.

About the webpage. My cyber means to vent,

contemplate the past, and focus on the present.

Feel free. Browse about. Enjoy that fresh pot of Joe.

Preferably Tasters' Choice. Maxwell House ought to go.

Have any comments? I love provocative fat chat;

Why else would I greet you at the welcome mat?

2002-11-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

So far, it's been a lackluster day

Couldn't find a reason to sleep my troubles away

I enjoyed last weekend, and met a mutual friend,

a good-natured woman less apt to offend

souls like herself; she's my friend's old flame

Now flaunting the wedded life with her new surname

Reflecting on the past, I witnessed two hearts united

But when they fell out of love, even I felt slighted

Their etheral bliss appeared lively though fictional

Can unrequited romance ever remain unconditional?

Wait, no sooner than my pal discovers

that is also surrounded by his past ex-lovers

than he surmises they discussed his nuances

the sure-shot dilemma to sexual "seances"

I sniffed entrapment. Just how is that likely:

one stud among ex's---that only would strike me

as suspicious. Imagine. All three dates within one room.

With nothing else in common. What would you assume?

2002-11-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

Presently, I am lounging in an internet facility

wondering how those snipers lost their credibility

I can care less if they praise Allah or Vishnu.

I figured they were responding to the Iraq issue

Remember it started after the weekend of student protesters

voiced out against war, corporate banking, child molesters.

Onslaughters heard worldwide, including the White House

Fat cats reluctantly heard the warchant of the mouse.

Instead they compromised their cause in hopes of extorting millions,

Reminding Chief Moose of their list of slain civilians,

Onto a stolen credit card account, no doubt simple to trace?

Were these the same pied pipers that led the feds in disgrace?

Were these the same murderers that made the cover of Newsweek,

Terrorizing the nation's capital with their efficient technique?

Hmmm. I'm glad this moment is all behind us,

Praying that others won't pledge to remind us.

2002-11-02T17:38:00.000-08:00

Over frustrating weeks of creating a template,

I relented to Blogger set my thoughts straight

I am the epitome of an anti-web technician

You can entrust me with a site as you would a physician

I did, however, peruse my Dreamweaver guide

I followed whatever advice friends could provide

I tell you, this pot of Maxwell's left my braincells toasted

I write more on my mind if I get this piece posted